The fraternity house opposite my front door held a haunted house event over Halloween.
This is how it went: You go in and wait in a wood paneled room with a huge flat screen television mounted on the end wall. There is a bowl of twiglets. There is American football on the television with the sound down. We are the only guests. Two boys/men? stand outside and argue quietly about what to do with us.
One of them comes to get us. He has a pale face and may have had vampire teeth, I don’t remember clearly. He is though definitely holding a torch. He beckons us with the torch to follow him and tells us, with a very sincere and concerned expression, that no harm will come to us if we stay with him.
He leads us down a hallway hung with paddles, the oar-like sticks that new recruits to the fraternity are beaten with. These are not part of the halloween decoration but I have been imagining the inside of this house for three months and I am scared of the sticks. I am not scared though of the cobwebs and bloody rags that have been draped over them.
We go down a narrow stairway to the basement. A small plastic skull on tracks moves a few inches up and down. In the basement there is a 1930’s bar.
One barkeeper cleans a glass with a tea towel. One man leans with his girlfriend on the bar. She dances in the way that people do on television when there was no music. He looks at her.
The rest of the huge room is empty save for the lazy reflected light of the glitterball. Everyone looks at us (this happens here anyway). Our leader takes us to a serving hatch where we see a huge grinning hand-wiping chef. He wears a bloody apron and shouts that we should come back in ten minutes to eat. He laughs a lot. We go upstairs back down the hallway of beating sticks. Our guide tells us we should look in the rooms. He says it like this: “Oh! I wonder what will be in here??” then after we have seen a screaming person's leg buzzed off by the disc sander or the student repeatedly stabbing a boy he says it again, with exactly the same intonation. “Oh! I wonder what will be in here?” There is always something scary in the rooms, and then people try to grab you.
After ten minutes we went back down to the kitchen. A silver serving dish waited for us. The waiter lifted the lid and there was a real screaming woman’s head underneath it. I think it may have been the dancer.
The hand-wiping chef burst forth from the kitchen revving a chainsaw. A real chainsaw. He chased us, brandishing it in front of him. We ran upstairs to the top floor between the rooms and witnessed half-finished scenes of confused murdered people about to lie down, a group of three boys shouting on the fire escape and the t-shirt of our guide become covered in blood and stab wounds. We were upstairs and the high drone of the chainsaw seemed to be at the bottom of each flight of stairs we tried to descend.